Language has created the word loneliness to express the pain of being alone, and the word solitude to express the glory of being alone.

Paul Tillich (Lavin, 1997)

Ah, loneliness. The universal emotion one experiences, not from being alone, but from feeling alone. After all, as the quote above suggests, there are times when we actually enjoy the solitude of ‘alone time’. This is quite different from what we feel when it seems like we are stranded on an emotional island, cut off from all forms of intimacy and meaningful social connections.

There is a significant connection between loneliness and mental illness.

In 2018, Cigna surveyed 20,000 U.S. adults, finding that 47% reported sometimes or always feeling alone and/or left out (“Is Loneliness Making My Mental Health Struggles Harder?” n.d.). There is a significant connection between loneliness and mental illness, one often leading to the other and vice versa. For example, mental illnesses such as depression and anxiety affect self-perception and decrease the person’s ability to regulate emotions, thus damaging the individual’s self-esteem (“Is Loneliness Making My Mental Health Struggles Harder?” n.d.). Due to these negative symptoms, many will socially isolate to prevent embarrassment or discomfort, which results in feelings of loneliness. On the flip side, when people are lonely, they often rely on unhealthy coping tools to numb their pain, such as substance abuse, which leads to addiction and other mental health disorders (“Is Loneliness Making My Mental Health Struggles Harder?” n.d.).

Due to the COVID-19 pandemic and the resulting quarantine, people all over the world are feeling more isolated than ever. When loneliness takes hold, sometimes it is all we can think about. With so many of us feeling lonely and searching for a deeper understanding of what we are experiencing, what can we do to help ourselves fight this battle?

The First Step: Learning about Loneliness

Remember that old phrase ‘know thy enemy’? The same principle applies to psychological problems. To overcome emotional obstacles, start by getting to know them.

What exactly is loneliness?

The Encyclopaedia Britannica defines ‘loneliness’, or ‘isolation’, as the “distressing experience that occurs when a person’s social relationships are perceived … to be less in quantity, and especially in quality, than desired” (Hawkley, n.d.). Basically, when we are lonely, it is because we do not have enough meaningful relationships to make us feel connected and valued.

In 1973, sociologist Robert S. Weiss created the first theory of loneliness, inspiring many researchers over the past five decades to build on his work. Weiss based his loneliness theory on John Bowlby’s attachment theory, which states that humans are born with a need to form a close emotional bond with a caregiver (Beckes, n.d.). Taking Bowlby’s research further, Weiss created a list of six social needs that, if neglected, contribute to feelings of loneliness. This list includes:

  • Attachment: Relationships that provide a sense of safety and security. Example: a spouse or partner.
  • Social integration: Networks of relationships in which people share interests and concerns. Example: friends and social groups.
  • Nurturance: Relationships in which the person feels responsible for another’s well-being. Example: children and pets.
  • Reassurance of worth: Relationships in which the person’s skills and abilities are appreciated and acknowledged. Example: Employers and co-workers.
  • Sense of reliable alliance: Relationships in which the person can count on receiving help, no matter the circumstances. Example: Close friends and family members.
  • Guidance in stressful situations: Relationships in which authoritative, trustworthy individuals provide advice, wisdom, and help. Example: Parents, teachers, and mentors (Hawkley, n.d.; Russell et. al, 1984).

Other researchers have taken the topic of loneliness in different directions. For example, behavioral theorists suggest that loneliness is connected to personality traits, such as shyness, sadness, hostility, distrust, and low self-esteem, which impair positive social interactions (Hawkley, n.d.). Cognitive theorists stress that the person’s outlook on life contributes to a tendency towards loneliness. For example, people who have a pessimistic outlook tend to be lonely, not only because of how they approach relationships, but also because of “self-fulfilling prophesies.” They expect social interactions to go poorly, and this expectation affects how they interact with people, leading to exactly what they predicted, resulting in social isolation and feelings of loneliness (Hawkley, n.d.).

No matter how we break down ‘loneliness’, one thing is clear: It affects all of us, at one point or another. And the more we understand our relationship with loneliness, the better our chances are of fighting it.

Ways to Help Loneliness

Now that we understand what loneliness is, how do we combat it? There are many ways to cultivate new relationships and enrich old ones. Let’s take a look at five options.

  • Work on you! Always remember: Nothing is more attractive than confidence. If you don’t like yourself, this negative energy most likely affects how others perceive you as well. Find ways to improve how you feel about yourself. This might involve exercising or sticking to a healthier diet, going to therapy, reading more books that challenge your mind, performing random acts of kindness, following through on old goals, and making time for hobbies that get you excited. When you build your self-esteem and overall happiness, you drastically increase your chances of attracting others with similar qualities.
  • Join groups and clubs. This takes the ‘make time for hobbies’ suggestion a step further. If you are passionate about something, chances are there are thousands of other people with the same interest. Do a little research, find groups within your area dedicated to your interests. And if you make a plan to participate, don’t chicken out at the last minute! This is an especially helpful tip for those of us who are socially anxious and shy. When you participate in a social gathering that’s centered on a topic that interests everyone, conversations practically write themselves. It takes half the guess work out of finding common ground with strangers. So the next time you see ads for a writer’s workshop, a quilting bee, or an Egyptian history trivia night, go to it!
  • This is similar to the ‘groups and clubs’ tip, in that, when you find a cause that you care about enough to dedicate hours of free time to it, you will likely meet people with similar values engaged in the same activity. So why not begin your journey at the local humane society or soup kitchen? You’ll be glad you did.
  • Look for little social interaction opportunities. This is an easy one, but something many of us forget to do as we go about our day. Try this: Once a day (maybe as soon as you finish your morning coffee), send a quick, positive message to someone new from your phonebook. It doesn’t have to be anything deep. Maybe it’s just a funny cat meme. Little interactions build on each other and keep you in other people’s thoughts. In the long run, you build stronger relationships that alleviate loneliness.
  • Limit social media use.

Okay, the last one looks counter-productive to combating loneliness, right? Well, let’s take a deeper look…

Living in the Age of Social Media

Let me clarify something. When I suggest that many of us feel alone in a crowd, I don’t just mean a literal social gathering. The same principle applies to “virtual crowds”— In other words, the swarms of people with whom we interact on social media every day.

Please understand that I am not knocking social media. (Well. Not totally.) For many of us, social media offers a host of socializing opportunities throughout the day, which we wouldn’t have otherwise. If it weren’t for sites like Facebook or Instagram, how likely is it that you’d see pictures of your brother’s son ice-fishing or videos of your cousin’s new kitten playing with a toy mouse? Social media is a wonderful tool for enriching our relationships and building new ones, provided it is used in a healthy, balanced way.

So what’s the problem? As you may have guessed, many of us have the unfortunate habit of misusing social media. When we use it to replace regular social interactions, we often find ourselves deeper in the pit of loneliness than ever before, and we can’t understand why. A 2017 study showed that participants who visited social media sites frequently (fifty or more times per week) were three times more likely to feel socially isolated as participants who went online infrequently (less than nine times per week) (Amatenstein, 2019). Why is this?

When people view social media as a convenient alternative to in-person relationships, they are often deceived by what they see. One such deceptive idea is that other people have better, happier, more meaningful lives than you do, because all you see of their lives comes from the positive-at-all-costs, ‘happy posts’. You know the kind of posts I mean. The picture of your co-worker’s new house, your cousin’s engagement ring, your sister’s baby, your ex’s promotion at the law firm, your brother-in-law’s new dog, your childhood best friend’s epic weight loss journey… All of the posts that promote a steady stream of ‘congrats!’ followed by a host of happy emojis in the comment section. The kind of posts that you know should make you happy, but sometimes just make you feel like garbage about yourself and your own boring life (especially if you’re already in a not-so-healthy mental place). The reality is, people are prone to only share the positives of their lives, not the negatives. This is what our culture promotes. But when we rely too heavily on these sites for social connections, the more we see of other people’s ‘positives’ can result in dissatisfaction with our own lives. This warped view of reality, which social media propagates, can affect our self-esteem and contentment.

Worse still, when you post your own picture of the new dog, the new house, the new jet-skis, etc., and you don’t receive the number of ‘likes’, ‘congrats!’, and excited emojis that you were expecting, this lack of external validation can make you feel even worse, as it suggests that not enough people pay attention to or care about you. In reality, this is likely false. There are many reasons people might not ‘like’ or comment, which have nothing to do with their feelings for you. But if you rely exclusively on social media for social connections, how are you to realize this?

In summary— There is nothing wrong with using social media to enhance relationships. However, it’s important that we use (rather than abuse) Facebook and Instagram in a healthy way, relying on these sites to enrich our social interactions, not to replace them.

Help for Lonely People

In Conclusion…

Gaining a better understanding of our emotional demons is the first step towards exorcising them from our brains. There are practical steps, big and small, that each of us can take to win this battle. Whatever you decide to do, please remember that fighting loneliness isn’t something that only helps you. In finding ways to combat your own loneliness, you may be helping others to fight their own battles as well. Through meaningful relationships, we can all make the world a friendlier, more connected place, one positive interaction at a time.

Courtesy: Gwendolyn Brown, M.S..

Resources:

Nee help with loneliness for you or someone you love?  Search the Jax Therapy Network and find loneliness therapy and counseling near you.