Keys to Effective Communication:  Content, Process, and “I” Statements

Let’s take a look at a couple named Todd and Marie. For the most part, Todd and Marie get along. But lately, they’ve noticed that they fight far more frequently than in prior years. Todd says it’s just from “getting old and cranky.” Marie thinks the problems go deeper, suggesting that they have lost respect for one another, which makes it more difficult to have civilized conversations when problems come up. They are coming to you, the therapist, to discuss these issues. To start things off, you ask them about their most recent arguments. As soon as they start describing them, you have an idea of where things might be going wrong.

“You’re such a bad listener!” Marie says. “Even now, you’re looking away and I can tell you aren’t hearing me. We wouldn’t fight half as much if I ever felt like you heard my side of things. You just don’t care. All you care about is work and your stupid bowling group. You look for every reason to get away from me. I don’t matter to you at all.”

“Maybe if I could walk through the door without getting attacked once in a while,” Todd counters, “I wouldn’t spend so much time bowling! And maybe I’d listen more if you ever had anything to say that wasn’t an attack! You’re just a mean bully. All you want to do is put me down.”

“But I wouldn’t put you down if you weren’t constantly letting me know you don’t care about me or how I feel!”

Marie goes into an explanation, offering a few examples of what she means, at which point you can tell that Todd has mentally checked out. When she finishes, Marie looks away from Todd, crossing her arms, shaking and fuming. There is a tense silence. When an appropriate time has passed, you take your cue to step in. Counselor to the rescue! (Oh boy…)

Communication Counseling: Content vs. Process

So, where to begin with Todd and Marie?

There are many directions a counselor could take, but perhaps one of the best places to start is looking at not what the argument is about, but the way in which Todd and Marie communicate with each other. The topic of communication (or the “content”) is what many tend to focus on during an argument, assuming that it is at the root of the problem, when in reality, it is frequently the way in which they communicate (or the “process”) that leads to conflict and feelings of invalidation or disrespect (“Looking at Process Over Content Can Change Your Communication,” 2020).

It is often said that you can get away with saying just about anything to someone, if you know how to say it. The reverse of this also is true—What starts as a minor problem between two people can turn into one doozy of a fight, depending on how they communicate their feelings to each other.

The Value of “I” Statements

Poor communication can lead to rifts in relationships that are avoidable, if only the partners better understood where things went off track. When two people repeatedly fall into arguments, like Todd and Marie, it can seem daunting to figure out where to begin, in terms of fixing a problem so large and overwhelming. In order to fix communication problems, it is best to teach people simple tools that may seem obvious, but which people tend to ignore or forget, especially in the heat of an argument. One such tool is called the “I” Statement.

As the name suggests, “I” statements involve a style of communication that focuses on the speaker’s feelings or beliefs, rather than the thoughts or characteristics they are attributing to the listener (“I” Message, 2018). Simply put, when you use an “I” statement, you are focusing on your own emotional experience in response to another person’s actions. It isn’t about the other person’s motives, thoughts, or intentions. It isn’t about labeling or making broad, generalizing statements regarding the other person’s character.

One basic example of an “I” statement might be:

“When you [insert behavior], I feel [insert emotion].”

Some take the “I” statement a step further by incorporating “because” statements and a declaration of needs. For example:

“I feel [insert emotion] when you [insert behavior], because [insert explanation]. In the future, I would like it if [insert declaration of needs].”

When you make an “I” statement, you avoid attacking the other person. You are really just pointing out how you feel or what you think when the person behaves in a certain way. “I” statements foster productive, positive communication, allowing people to share feelings in a meaningful way that avoids putting others on the defensive (“I” Message, 2018).

So let’s take a look at Todd and Marie. There are many behaviors that get on each other’s nerves, but at the root of the problem is a mutual feeling of disrespect and a lack of appreciation. With a little prompting, you the therapist get Todd and Marie to reframe some of their previous accusations as “I” statements. You begin with Marie.

Marie’s first statement was:

“You’re such a bad listener! [Note: This is labeling, which attacks the character of the listener, instead of the problematic behavior.] Even now, you’re looking away and I can tell you aren’t hearing me. We wouldn’t fight half as much if I ever felt like you heard my side of things. [Note: Making assumptions.] You just don’t care. All you care about is work and your stupid bowling group. You look for every reason to get away from me. I don’t matter to you at all. [Note: The last several statements include ‘all or nothing’, black-and-white statements. Look for words like “all,” “never,” and “always”. They tend to escalate fights.]”

How might Marie rephrase her thoughts in a more productive way, using “I” statements?

One example:

“When you spend so much away from home, I feel unloved and unwanted.”

Or:

“When you look away from me when I speak, I feel disrespected and unheard.”

See how it works? Next, Todd would have his chance to reframe his words, perhaps saying something to the effect of, “When you speak harshly to me as soon as I come home, I feel put down and bullied.” By focusing on the individual’s perception of the other person’s behavior, it is no longer a verbal bloodbath. The purpose of the communication becomes collaborative and forward-focused. It is not a “fight,” but an airing of feelings and a search for solutions. This, in turn, leads to feelings of productivity and mutual respect.

Learning to Communicate Better

In Conclusion…

No matter how difficult it is to “talk it out” in the heat of an argument, remember— There are many ways to improve communication, even in the trickiest of relationships. No matter how awkward it feels at first, simple changes (like using “I” statements and focusing on the process rather than just the content of communication) can make huge, positive changes in how you feel about each other. And in the long run, when you become a more effective communicator who understands how to resolve disputes in a respectful, productive way, you’ll probably like yourself a little bit more as well.

Courtesy: Gwendolyn Brown, M.S..

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