“Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. The people we trust with that important talk can help us know that we are not alone.”
“Nobody’s perfect.”
Picture, if you will, a little girl trudging up to you with a swell of tears in her large, overwhelmed eyes. Something is clearly bothering her, and she is trying desperately to get it out. Perhaps she’s choking on her own sobbing hiccups. Eventually, she begins an explanation. But before she finishes the first sentence, you cut her off.
“Stop it!” you say. “Enough of that. I don’t need your drama today.”
The child stares up, taken aback by your harshness. “But it really hurts-”
“You heard what I said. SHUT. UP.” Picture Miss Hannigan from Annie, only a hundred times nastier. That’s you.
At this point, the child is amazed. Tapping into her determination, she pushes harder. “But this is really bothering me. I have to talk about it with someone-”
“I ALREADY TOLD YOU!” you snap. “I don’t want to hear it! You are WEAK. You are BAD. I don’t think your problems are real at all. I think you’re faking it. I think you just like attention. I think you’re incompetent, selfish, and lazy. It’s really no wonder people dislike you. I don’t think your feelings are real at all. You must have a pathetic character, to go around bellyaching and whining the way you do. You’d be better off never to talk about your problems at all, because they’ll just make people hate you and reject you. Just like I’m rejecting you right now.”
Judging by the pain on the child’s face, you’ve more than made your point. Eventually, she trudges away, silenced in her hurt. Maybe you give her a good kick in the pants for good measure.
Okay … Now that I’ve gotten that horrific illustration out of the way, how the heck does verbal abuse relate to self-compassion?
Does Verbal Abuse Relate to Self-Compassion?
Well, unless you’re a special kind of monster, chances are, you’d never treat a child in this manner. However, I’d challenge you to stop a minute and reread the paragraph of obscenities above. Take it one sentence at a time. Think back to the last time you felt badly about something you’ve done, said, or experienced. Just how many of these thoughts have you viciously hurled at yourself? Any variations of them? Come, now. Be honest.
While most of us wouldn’t dream of treating others in such a cruel way, we are our own severest critics. More often than not, we apply our reserve of compassion to people around us (you know, the ones who “need” it), while callously withholding it from ourselves. To show ourselves kindness is to engage in some kind of frivolous, indulgent pursuit that weakens us. It deprives us of dignity. It shows a lack of character.
Why, therapists everywhere bellow to the universe, are humans wired to buy in to such nonsense??
The answers to this question are numerous. Sometimes it comes down to self-esteem problems, a history of trauma and abuse, and cognitive distortions about who we are and what treatment we deserve. Whatever our reasons, the fact remains that, in order to heal, we must first learn to accept what exists within us exactly as it is. No, not the way it might be tomorrow, with a little extra work and effort. Accept it exactly as it is, no strings attached. This assertion lies at the core of Rogerian/humanistic therapy. To accept oneself exactly as one is opens the door to self-discovery, healing, and growth. To be perfectly okay with the ‘you of today’ is to create a better ‘you of tomorrow’. Kind of a funny twist of irony, yeah?
The Most Effective Means of Offering Self-Compassion Can Be to Work With a Mental Health Professional
To engage in self-compassion, one must silence the emotionally abusive wingnut squatting within our brains. He or she has no business loitering on the road to mental health. This is certainly easier said than done. Sometimes the most effective means of offering yourself compassion is to work with a mental health professional who has years of experience helping people to accomplish this task. Seriously, I cannot speak highly enough for therapists. They have seen, heard, experienced just about every kind of emotional hurdle that a client might present to them, and still they stand, ready to take on the next challenge.
If you still aren’t sold on the value of self-compassion, perhaps it would help to think of how it relates to our treatment of others. (Because we’re always kinder to other people than we are to ourselves, right?) According to clinical psychologist and meditation practitioner Christopher K. Germer (2009), “Self-compassion is the foundation of compassion for others. … When our problems become workable again, we can extend kindness to others, which can only help improve relationships and enhance our overall contentment and satisfaction with life.”
To create a kinder world, we must first treat ourselves kindly. That, in turn, affects how we approach others. So, for the sake of everyone, listen to the wailing pain within you. Approach it without criticism, with the view of helping and healing. It’s not an act of frivolity. It is something you owe to yourself and to the world at large.
And most importantly, if a sobbing child ever approaches you with a problem, please … do not verbally abuse them. And do NOT kick them in the pants.
Courtesy: Gwendolyn Brown, M.S..
Resources:
Germer, C. K. (2009). The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion: Freeing Yourself from Destructive Thoughts and Emotions. New York: The Guilford Press.
Mitroff, D. & Mitroff, I. I. (2012). Fables and the Art of Leadership: Applying the Wisdom of Mister Rogers to the Workplace. New York: Palgrave Macmillan.
Wilder, B. (Producer/Director). (1959). Some Like It Hot [Film]. United Artists.
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